Do you have a filty mouth? Should your mouth perpetually have a bar of soap strapped to it? Well then you're reading the right column. Hi, I'm Dr. Matt.
Over the last three years my team and I have come up with a simple solution to all swearing problems. It is a simple matter of appended or prepending letters or phrases onto said bad word to make it kid friendly. Let's have an example:
"What the hell is that?!"
Doesn't sound very nice, does it? Now let's see the same phrase after applying Dr. Matt's pateneted cuss removing technology.
"What the shell is that?!"
Much nicer, no? The following table contains a list of beautified words that you can use any day in front of anybody (except the pope):
bass
mustard
witch/itch
ship
crab
freak/frickin' (funk has also been suggested, but that burders too close...)
In certain situations a letter won't work and you will actually have to say the word, however, after much research it was found that the word "Hoover" can aleviate sid problem. Examples:
Hoover Dam
sucks like a Hoover
Ans there you have it. Practice these steps everyday and you'll be on the road to verbal maturity in no time. Have a great day :-)